“Too often, we don’t find out what’s truly on others’ hearts and minds because we don’t know how to ask the right questions in the right ways,” explains Jeff Wetzler, author of the new book, ASK.
In his timely, must-read book, Wetzler shows you a powerful method called The Ask Approach™, based on a simple premise: that tapping into what other people truly think, know, and feel is a game-changing superpower for leaders.
Wetzler explains that the only thing that allows you to understand what’s on another person’s mind better is just asking them.
Following the powerful The Ask Approach™ method will lead you to smarter decisions, more creative solutions, and deeper relationships. Also, by asking more questions you’ll help break down barriers, resolve challenges, encourage collaboration, and imagine new ways of doing things.
The five practical steps of the research-based, pressure-tested The Ask Approach™ methodology are:
- Choose Curiosity: How you can awaken your curiosity to make new discoveries and unexpected connections.
- Make it Safe: How you make it easier for people to tell you hard things.
- Pose Quality Questions: Discovering the questions to best tap into the wisdom of anyone you ask…so you can uncover what’s most important to find out.
- Listen to Learn: How can you hear what someone is really trying to tell you.
- Reflect & Reconnect: How to take the right action based on what you’ve learned.
“As you’ll see through the book, people don’t always give you the whole story right up front. There’s almost always a backstory, which won’t come out unless you ask in the right ways. And that deeper story is even more interesting and important than the first one you get,” shares Wetzler.
One of the key takeaways from the book for me is the section on the seven practices for listening to learn, which are:
- Ditch the distractions. The more you train yourself to listen for content, emotion, and action, the less you'll have room to take in external distractions.
- Zip your lip. Respect and benefit from silence. Often, the other person needs a moment to think about how to answer your questions.
- Watch your face. Keep in mind that the other person is listening to you too – and that your reactions, said and unsaid, can have a profound effect on what and how much they decide to share.
- Paraphrase and test. Share back in your own words what you think you heard the other person say and then check whether you heard them correctly.
- Pull the thread – asking questions that invite the other person to extend their sharing more deeply.
- Back off to move forward – respect the limits of the other person’s sharing and willingness to share.
- Check in with the other person to determine if the conversation went well for them and to learn how a future conversation can go better or be more beneficial to both parties.
“This last step is one of the most underused but powerful moves you can make at the end of an interaction,” says Wetzler.
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Wetzler shares these insights with us:
Question: Do you believe both introverted and extraverted people can be equally successful at learning and then using the skills you teach in your book?
Wetzler: Absolutely. The two types may find themselves drawn to or challenged by different aspects of The Ask Approach™.
For instance, introverts may have more practice listening before speaking and may be more comfortable with silence. They may also find it easier to empathize with others’ hesitation to share, since they themselves often keep quiet about their thoughts and feelings.
On the other hand, extroverts may find it easier to share their motivation for asking, or to reconnect with the other person about what they learned and how they plan to act on it. Regardless of where one falls on the introversion-extroversion spectrum, they can learn the skills in ASK and experience the benefits of using them in their own life.
Question: Which of the seven practices for listening to learn is the most challenging to master for most people and why?
Wetzler: It really depends on the person. For many, ditching the distractions will be challenging simply because of the culture we live in. We are inundated by claims on our attention – smartphone notifications, overflowing emails, the 24-hour news cycle – all on top of the demands of working and raising kids and being a member of a community.
Recent research suggests that most of us now have attention spans of less than a minute. With our attention pulled in a million directions, it can be incredibly difficult to tune out the noise and tune into just one source of information: another person. But the good news is that attention is a muscle that can be strengthened and lengthened with practice – and the effort is well worth it.
For others, the most challenging strategy might be zip your lip. It’s so important to allow time and space for the other person to respond and to say more…and it’s so tempting to just jump back in with our own reactions and ideas and thoughts. Most of us are pretty uncomfortable with silence, but as Quaker leader and author Parker Palmer told me when I interviewed him for the book, it’s essential "to respect the silence and make room for the silence, as much as we have to respect and make room for each other."
One that can be surprisingly challenging is the sixth practice, back off to move forward. When we sense something is wrong with someone we care about, we want to find out what it is so we can help. I experience this all the time with my kids – I can tell something is bothering them, but if I really want to support them, I have to respect their boundaries. I have to wait until they are ready to talk about it.
Question: Why is it so important to master only one skill you teach at a time?
Wetzler: The human brain has a limit to the amount of cognitive load it can handle at a time. If we try to put too much into our "working memory," we overload our circuits! By picking one skill at a time, we are using a strategy that learning scientists call “chunking.” By breaking down large amounts of information into smaller, more manageable chunks, it’s easier to digest and convert what we’ve learned from working memory into long term memory. The same holds true in sports – by breaking down a new skill into its component parts, complex moves can be mastered and slowly integrated into a single, fluid motion.
That said, we don’t have to necessarily fully master a skill before we can engage with another skill. What’s important is to focus on improving one skill at a time and allowing yourself to be at varying stages of competence with the other steps in the meantime.
For example, if you are focusing on making it safe, don’t beat yourself up for not listening to all three channels of meaning at first – stick with mastering the safety cycle and trust that the rest will come.
Question: How best does a leader implement your book's teachings without him/her feeling they are showing vulnerability to their followers?
Wetzler: I would argue that there is an important difference between vulnerability and weakness. I think a leader can actually show strength through being vulnerable about communicating what they don’t yet know, what help they need from others, or what they want to learn.
When they do this, not only do they actually learn more (and thus become more effective) but also, they make it safe for others to be vulnerable and ask questions. True leadership is being secure enough to take the risk of exposing what you don’t know and inviting others to help you learn. When leaders communicate from a place of true curiosity and humility, they radiate strength, not weakness.
Of course, this runs counter to many of the cultural messages’ leaders receive about how they are expected to act. So, it may feel scary at first to demonstrate vulnerability. But as leaders experience the benefits of doing so firsthand, it will get easier and easier to act like Learners-in-Chief.
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Blending a unique set of leadership experiences in the fields of business and education, Wetzler uses his skills as an international management consultant to executives in Fortune 500 corporations, and as co-CEO of Transcend, a nationally recognized education innovation organization.
Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.
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