How To Negotiate Disagreement Without Giving Up Or Giving In

In today’s age of rising division and polarization, disagreement often feels like a zero-sum game.

Unable or unwilling to negotiate conflict with skill, we ignore it or avoid it for as long as possible; when we are forced to face it, we escalate everyday disagreements and temporary flare-ups as if they’re life-and-death. Neither approach addresses underlying issues, promotes stronger relationships, nor yields satisfying results.

It’s no wonder we try to avoid conflict and have a challenging time finding consensus. Conflict is getting the better of us.

But what if conflict could be reframed—not as an obstacle to be overcome but as an opportunity to forge stronger relationships?

In the new book, Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In, two former Harvard faculty—internationally-recognized negotiator, mediator and conflict management expert Robert Bordone, a Senior Fellow at Harvard Law School, and leading behavioral neurologist and cutting-edge scientist Joel Salinas, M.D.—show us how we can turn conflict into a win for everyone.

“We teach you how to develop and flex your conflict-resilient muscles and start handling conflict without escalating it, avoiding it, or surrendering your most closely held values or most desirable outcomes,” explain the authors.

“We also explain in easy-to-follow language how our brains and bodies process conflict and teach you surprisingly simple steps, strategies, and best practices on how to emerge from moments of conflict more empowered and with more equanimity."

Conflict resilience is a skillset and mindset that empowers us to sit genuinely with disagreement and grow from it. It involves practical solutions that tap into what’s actually happening in our bodies and our brains during moments of conflict.

Drawing on both powerful neuroscience and advanced conflict management techniques, Bordone and Salinas share genius brain hacks and a groundbreaking three-step framework to navigate conflict, including:

NAME (and dig deep) – to better understand your relationship with conflict, name or diagnose recurring patterns around it. Deeply examining experiences and responses cand rive greater awareness and tolerance to the discomfort of disagreement
EXPLORE (and be brave) – to cultivate genuine curiosity, ask brave questions that explore your deeper motivations, that authentically connect to what you genuinely want
COMMIT (and own the conflict) – engage with conflict constructively, setting the table for a positive, collaborative process. Take responsibility, actively engage in the process, and shape a culture that encourages open discussion about differences.

“As long as human beings interact with each other, there will be conflict. How we embrace, use, mold, and grow with conflict are choices that will make the difference for the world in which we live and, truly, for the security, happiness, and fulfillment of our lives,” say the authors “This process often starts with a tiny first step: when you pause and appreciate, despite all hardship, how startlingly beautiful conflict can be.”

Robert C. Bordone

Joel Salinas, M.D.

The authors share these additional insights with us:

Question: How can leaders/organizations better manage a deeply polarized workplace?

Bordone: Leaders can start by modeling vulnerability—sharing their own uncertainties and biases. Creating spaces for open dialogue and training teams in conflict resilience helps dismantle polarization. Organizations thrive when leaders normalize diverse and even conflicting perspectives.

Question: Most people think conflict is a bad thing and work hard to avoid it. You see it differently. You think conflict needs to be handled directly. Why do you think people avoid or shy away from engaging with it?

Bordone: Conflict feels risky because it’s often handled poorly. People fear losing relationships, their status, or peace of mind. Avoiding it might seem like self-protection, but it creates long-term harm—letting issues fester or escalating them later. When approached with skill, conflict can strengthen relationships and foster creativity, but we need to reframe our mindset about it first.

Question: What is conflict resilience, and how does it differ from conflict resolution?

Bordone: Conflict resilience is the ability to stay present and engaged in disagreement, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s not to be confused with solving the issue, which is the goal of conflict resolution. It’s instead about learning to sit with the discomfort, staying curious, and navigating tough conversations.

And it’s worth noting that without resilience, resolution is unlikely. That’s because if you can’t tolerate the discomfort of the disagreement, then you can’t get to the point of talking about how to resolve it. And then you are left with either avoiding or fighting.

Question: What key skills are needed to manage conflict effectively?

Bordone: Three critical skills stand out. First, self-awareness—recognizing your triggers and how your emotions affect your reactions.

Second, deep listening—not just hearing words but cultivating a curiosity that can demonstrate a deeper understanding and empathy for their perspective.

Finally, effective assertion—clearly and confidently expressing your perspective with authenticity but also in a way that maximizes the chance that the other can take it in and appreciate your perspective.

Question: How can greater conflict resilience lead to personal growth and better relationships?

Salinas: Conflict resilience helps us lean into tough conversations with curiosity and courage, leading to deeper self-awareness and stronger connections. By staying engaged instead of defensive, we uncover shared understanding and build trust. It’s like working a muscle—the more we practice, the stronger and more adaptable we become.

Question: How can conflict be reframed from an obstacle to an opportunity?

Salinas: Integrating the idea that conflict is an opportunity to learn about yourself and the other and to improve the relationship is a first step to reimagining it as a gift rather than a threat. The fear of engaging in conflict with the other person often causes more damage than the act of engaging those differences with authenticity, curiosity, and courage. That’s why developing conflict resilience is such an important leadership skill.

Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.

Comments

James G. Ellis Shares The Leadership Lessons Behind A Lasting Legacy

In his new book, James G. Ellis shares the lessons he learned throughout his career as an entrepreneur, CEO, professor, mentor, and one of the nation’s most respected business school leaders. He is the former Dean of the University of Southern California Marshall School of Business. For aspiring leaders, educators, and entrepreneurs, A Journey of Insights: Lessons In Leadership And Legacy , offers a roadmap to success grounded in real-world experience, with a focus on humility, listening, and building strong, collaborative environments. The book is both a personal memoir and a strategic guide for those aiming to leave a lasting legacy in business. At the core of his message is the central theme that listening to voices around you throughout life is the key to success. “In essence, ears can speak louder than voices,” shares Ellis. The book also explores pivotal moments that helped define Ellis’ understanding of leadership, including encounters with Pres...

How To Transform The Influences Of Your Childhood Into Your Unique And Most Effective Leadership Style

The most significant predictor (up to 80 percent) of how someone shows up in their interpersonal interactions as a leader, and as a human, is their childhood, claims Pam Manfredo Curtis, PhD , author of the new book, The Origins Of A Leader: Transforming Family Patterns Into Leadership Power . Grounded in decades of psychological analysis, executive coaching, and behavioral data, Curtis elaborates that how leaders perform today is dramatically influenced by their childhood, with patterns formed early in life continuing to shape behavior, decision-making, and relationships at the highest levels. “When you know your why , you can change your how ,” says Curtis. “Put another way, when you understand the influential factors of your life, you can choose how they affect you. Curtis encourages you to explore specific childhood environments and discover how they shaped your strengths, communication patterns, and hidden limitations. Regarding the implications o...

Six Leadership Actions To Leverage Employees' Differences To Strengthen Teams

The new book, All The Difference: Six Leadership Actions To Bridge Perspectives, Strengthen Teams, and Create Value , teaches how leaders can turn their team's individual differences into deeper trust, greater creativity, and winning results. “The greatest risk of unmanaged difference isn’t conflict: it lies in the ideas, insights, and opportunities that may never surface,” explain the book’s authors, Susan MacKenty Brady , Stuart D. Kliman , and Lt. Gen. (Ret.) Leslie C. Smith . They suggest that you look around your team to fully see people with different communication styles, perspectives, cultural norms, and capabilities. These differences are expressed in all kinds of ways, such as casual gestures in a meeting, a colleague's opinion on a current event, or an intense work style. Often, those differences can lead to friction, even conflict. You may try to manage around them. But, for you and your organization to fully leverage the strengths of your team’s diffe...

10 Best Quotes From The 5 Levels Of Leadership

Here are some of my favorites quotes from John C. Maxwell's book, The 5 Levels of Leadership -- a book I believe should become a must-read for any workplace/organizational leader: Good leadership isn't about advancing yourself. It's about advancing your team. Leaders become great, not because of their power, but because of their ability to empower others. Leadership is action, not position. When people feel liked, cared for, included, valued, and trusted, they begin to work together with their leader and each other. If you have integrity with people, you develop trust. The more trust you develop, the stronger the relationship becomes. In times of difficulty, relationships are a shelter. In times of opportunity, they are a launching pad. Good leaders must embrace both care and candor. People buy into the leader, then the vision. Bringing out the best in a person is often a catalyst for bringing out the best in the team. Progress comes only fro...

How To Become Your Best-Self Leader Everyday

“By focusing in specific ways on five key leadership elements— Purpose, Process, People, Presence, and Peace —you can increase your time, capacity, energy, and ultimately your leadership impact,” explains Amy Jen Su , author of the book, The Leader You Want To Be: Five Essential Principles for Bringing Out Your Best Self—Every Day . Su shares both Western management thinking and Eastern philosophy to provide a holistic yet hands-on approach to becoming a more effective leader with less stress and more equanimity. She draws on rich and instructive stories of clients, leaders, artists, and athletes. And, she focuses on three foundational tenets: s elf-care, self-awareness, and personal agency . Most important, Su explores in depth, chapter-by-chapter the Five Ps : Purpose – Staying grounded in your passions and contributions, doing your highest and best work that has meaning and is making a difference. Process – Relying on daily practices and routines that honor your natural energy rhyt...

The Five Critical Roles You Need To Build A Winning Team

The book, Team Players , by leadership expert and New York Times bestselling author, Mark Murphy , explains why a team needs more than strong leaders—it needs the right mix of five roles and talents to succeed. In addition, Murphy reveals that the secret to extraordinary teams isn’t making everyone the same—it’s embracing and leveraging fundamental differences through those five distinct team roles. No amount of teambuilding, trust, or cohesion can overcome having the wrong mix of people in the room. The five essential roles and talents are : The Director assumes a leadership role within the team, guiding its direction and making important, difficult, and even unpopular decisions. The Achiever immerses themselves in the details of accomplishing tasks and getting things done, with a keen eye for delivering error-free work. The Stabilizer keeps the team on track with meticulous planning, processes and procedures, clear timelines, and organization. ...

How To Be A More Human Leader

“To be most effective in today’s environment, leaders must be human leaders. Human leaders must be able to lead not only with their heads but also with their hearts and souls,” says veteran executive coach Hortense le Gentil , author of the book, The Unlocked Leader: Dare to Free Your Own Voice, Lead with Empathy, and Shine Your Light in the World . She adds, “In addition to being respected, seen, and valued, employees also seek leaders who feel human, not distant and perfect beings with whom they can’t connect.” Additionally, leaders need to put the collective interest before their own and work hard to make other people’s good ideas happen. “And although the book focuses on leadership at work, each of us is a complete individual, not a sum of separate, isolated parts. As such, the process presented in the book applies to all areas of your life,” shares the author. She further explains that becoming a human leader is a journey, not a desti...

How To Rewire Your Mind To Build Your Adaptability Quotient

Alec Litowitz argues that the most valuable skill of the next decade isn't IQ or even EQ (Emotional Intelligence). It's AQ: your Adaptability Quotient, the ability to question assumptions, update beliefs, and respond effectively when reality changes. Litowitz is the author of the forthcoming book (releasing on September 15, 2026) The Adaptability Quotient: Rewiring Your Mind For Success In The Next Human Era . And he shares that “AQ is a learnable way of using your mind like a high-performance machine: to model risk, absorb feedback, make faster corrections, and create repeatable advantages in conditions where most people stall out—or drown.” In short, it’s all about how to move from “making the right decision” to “making decisions right.” “As artificial intelligence, media, and scientific advances reshape the cognitive landscape, adaptability becomes the essential discipline for reclaiming human agency,” adds Litowitz. “And a s AI resha...

How To See What’s Holding You Back As A Leader

What you don't see about yourself can hold you back as a leader. That's typical for many leaders. What we don't see is what we can't see: we have blindspots . Your blindspots prevent you from achieving your greatest success. “It turns out that we're often not great judges of ourselves, even when we think we are. Sometimes we're simply unaware of a behavior or trait that's causing problems,” explains Martin Dubin , author of the new book, Blindspotting: How To See What’s Holding You Back As A Leader . “Bottom line: until we uncover these blindspots, we can't move forward. The good news is that you can learn to do your own blindspotting .” “Most of us understand the idea of blindspots in a general sense—areas we can’t see, to take the term most literally, or places we have gaps that we may not even realize, to be a little more abstract,” says Dubin. “But in the context of this book, I’m defining blindspots quite specifically: They are the par...

The Science And Secrets Of High-Performing Teams

Ron Friedman ’s new book, Superteams , is the best book about teams and team building that I have ever read and have reviewed on my blog. It’s all about what the best teams do differently. It’s packed with counterintuitive insights, surprising science, and real-world lessons "from the most comprehensive study of elite groups ever conducted" reports Friedman. Read through it once and then keep it handy to refer to repeatedly. The 50-plus strategies for how a team does its best work are invaluable. Friedman surveyed thousands of teams and pinpointed the precise habits that separate the best from the rest. He reports that “the results upend everything we think we know about teamwork. It turns out that the most successful teams aren't the ones that collaborate most, get along best, or put in the longest hours.” What really sets them apart, according to Friedman, is the way they: Manage their energy and attention. Bring out the best in one another. Keep improving...

Eric Jacobson On Management And Leadership

Search This Blog