How To Negotiate Disagreement Without Giving Up Or Giving In

 

In today’s age of rising division and polarization, disagreement often feels like a zero-sum game. 

Unable or unwilling to negotiate conflict with skill, we ignore it or avoid it for as long as possible; when we are forced to face it, we escalate everyday disagreements and temporary flare-ups as if they’re life-and-death. Neither approach addresses underlying issues, promotes stronger relationships, nor yields satisfying results. 

It’s no wonder we try to avoid conflict and have a challenging time finding consensus. Conflict is getting the better of us. 

But what if conflict could be reframed—not as an obstacle to be overcome but as an opportunity to forge stronger relationships? 

In the new book, Conflict Resilience: Negotiating Disagreement Without Giving Up or Giving In, two former Harvard faculty—internationally-recognized negotiator, mediator and conflict management expert Robert Bordone, a Senior Fellow at Harvard Law School, and leading behavioral neurologist and cutting-edge scientist Joel Salinas, M.D.—show us how we can turn conflict into a win for everyone. 

“We teach you how to develop and flex your conflict-resilient muscles and start handling conflict without escalating it, avoiding it, or surrendering your most closely held values or most desirable outcomes,” explain the authors. 

“We also explain in easy-to-follow language how our brains and bodies process conflict and teach you surprisingly simple steps, strategies, and best practices on how to emerge from moments of conflict more empowered and with more equanimity." 

Conflict resilience is a skillset and mindset that empowers us to sit genuinely with disagreement and grow from it. It involves practical solutions that tap into what’s actually happening in our bodies and our brains during moments of conflict. 

Drawing on both powerful neuroscience and advanced conflict management techniques, Bordone and Salinas share genius brain hacks and a groundbreaking three-step framework to navigate conflict, including: 

1. NAME (and dig deep) – to better understand your relationship with conflict, name or diagnose recurring patterns around it. Deeply examining experiences and responses cand rive greater awareness and tolerance to the discomfort of disagreement
2. EXPLORE (and be brave) – to cultivate genuine curiosity, ask brave questions that explore your deeper motivations, that authentically connect to what you genuinely want
3. COMMIT (and own the conflict) – engage with conflict constructively, setting the table for a positive, collaborative process. Take responsibility, actively engage in the process, and shape a culture that encourages open discussion about differences. 

“As long as human beings interact with each other, there will be conflict. How we embrace, use, mold, and grow with conflict are choices that will make the difference for the world in which we live and, truly, for the security, happiness, and fulfillment of our lives,” say the authors “This process often starts with a tiny first step: when you pause and appreciate, despite all hardship, how startlingly beautiful conflict can be.”

 

Robert C. Bordone

 

Joel Salinas, M.D.

The authors share these additional insights with us: 

Question: How can leaders/organizations better manage a deeply polarized workplace? 

Bordone: Leaders can start by modeling vulnerability—sharing their own uncertainties and biases. Creating spaces for open dialogue and training teams in conflict resilience helps dismantle polarization. Organizations thrive when leaders normalize diverse and even conflicting perspectives. 

Question: Most people think conflict is a bad thing and work hard to avoid it. You see it differently. You think conflict needs to be handled directly. Why do you think people avoid or shy away from engaging with it? 

Bordone: Conflict feels risky because it’s often handled poorly. People fear losing relationships, their status, or peace of mind. Avoiding it might seem like self-protection, but it creates long-term harm—letting issues fester or escalating them later. When approached with skill, conflict can strengthen relationships and foster creativity, but we need to reframe our mindset about it first.  

Question: What is conflict resilience, and how does it differ from conflict resolution? 

Bordone: Conflict resilience is the ability to stay present and engaged in disagreement, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s not to be confused with solving the issue, which is the goal of conflict resolution. It’s instead about learning to sit with the discomfort, staying curious, and navigating tough conversations. 

And it’s worth noting that without resilience, resolution is unlikely. That’s because if you can’t tolerate the discomfort of the disagreement, then you can’t get to the point of talking about how to resolve it. And then you are left with either avoiding or fighting. 

Question: What key skills are needed to manage conflict effectively? 

Bordone: Three critical skills stand out. First, self-awareness—recognizing your triggers and how your emotions affect your reactions. 

Second, deep listening—not just hearing words but cultivating a curiosity that can demonstrate a deeper understanding and empathy for their perspective. 

Finally, effective assertion—clearly and confidently expressing your perspective with authenticity but also in a way that maximizes the chance that the other can take it in and appreciate your perspective. 

Question: How can greater conflict resilience lead to personal growth and better relationships? 

Salinas: Conflict resilience helps us lean into tough conversations with curiosity and courage, leading to deeper self-awareness and stronger connections. By staying engaged instead of defensive, we uncover shared understanding and build trust. It’s like working a muscle—the more we practice, the stronger and more adaptable we become. 

Question: How can conflict be reframed from an obstacle to an opportunity? 

Salinas: Integrating the idea that conflict is an opportunity to learn about yourself and the other and to improve the relationship is a first step to reimagining it as a gift rather than a threat. The fear of engaging in conflict with the other person often causes more damage than the act of engaging those differences with authenticity, curiosity, and courage. That’s why developing conflict resilience is such an important leadership skill.  

Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.