How To Be A Radical Listener To Create True Connections

I just read the best book I have ever read about how to be a great listener. It is called Radical Listening by authors Prof. Christian Van Nieuwerburgh (PhD) and Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener.

This book will expertly guide you to move from being an active listener to becoming a radical listener. 

Radical listening is a profound practice that moves beyond simply hearing words to actively co-creating meaning. 

“Most of us recognize the value of great listening. In fact, most people are familiar with approaches to ‘active listening’ and employ conversational techniques such as maintaining eye contact, nodding, and repeating speaker statements,” explain the authors. 

“In our book, we present an alternative approach that builds on traditional active listening but extends it in dynamic ways. We present a simple but powerful framework for listening that includes attention to a listener’s motivation as well as to both the mental and behavioral aspects of listening.” 

The book teaches you that radical listening is one of the ways of strengthening the connections between people. By listening radically, we can connect with one another effectively, have more engaging conversations, improve our relationships, and experience greater levels of well-being. 

In the words of the authors, there are three basic ways in which radical listening is radical. 

First, what makes this approach radical is the notion that the starting point for listening is to be clear about your intention as the listener. Intentionality is what distinguishes listening from hearing. Is your intention to strengthen your relationship with the other person? 

Second, radical listening differs from other approaches to listening in its understanding of what is occurring. Conventionally, listening is considered to be a way of taking in information. Conventional listening is about comprehension and clarification. By contrast, the radical listening approach suggests that listening is one of the most effective ways of strengthening relationships and creating opportunities. It replaces the concept of “information” with that of “connection.” 

Third, radical listening is not passive. It is tempting to think of listening as a reactive act: receiving sounds. Active listening disputes this by suggesting that listeners can check for comprehension by repeating or clarifying what a speaker says. Radical listening builds on this by adding even more active skills such as asking follow-up questions. Radical listening goes one step further by being clear about the intention for listening. This can happen before a single word has been spoken. 

“For leaders, radical listening must start at the top of an organization,” state the authors. “Unless there is a clear and sustained commitment to radical listening from leaders, others are less likely to be fully engaged with the idea. This is, of course, easier said than done.” 

“Most leaders would readily endorse the idea that role modeling is an important aspect of setting the cultural tone. Most would also concede that time pressures, shifting trends, and complex work environments can make this difficult. Leading by example means protecting time for meaningful conversations. It means explicitly promoting the value of such interactions by articulating it in communications throughout the organization. Finally, it means engaging in radical listening with a wide range of colleagues.” 

Artwork/Illustration By: Prof. Christian Van Nieuwerburgh (PhD)

The authors outline six unique competencies that go beyond “active listening skills” to create deep understanding and connection. 

Internal Skills:

1. Noticing: Becoming attuned to emotional and contextual cues.
2. Quieting: Using pauses and silences to focus and manage internal distractions.
3. Accepting: Approaching others’ perspectives with openness and without judgment. 

External Skills:

1. Acknowledging: Validating others’ contributions and making them feel valued.
2. Questioning: Asking thoughtful questions to deepen understanding and connection.
3. Interjecting: Engaging with constructive interruptions to build energy and focus. 

Some of my favorite learnings and takeaways from the book include: 

Knowing your primary motivation before the start of a conversation increases the chances that it will be beneficial for both you and the people you will be listening to. 

Radical listeners do not think of silence as the absence of conversation but as a skill to be employed in the best conversations. Active listeners are more likely to stay quiet while radical listeners manage quiet to create ideal environments for communication. 

Accepting what someone else says is not the same as agreeing with it. Through acceptance, you are demonstrating a willingness to hear them out and to consider their thoughts, even if you do not approve of or support their conclusions. 

Acknowledging is a foundational skill of radical listening. Not only does it show that you are interested in your conversational partner, but also it can boost their self-confidence and well-being, too. Understanding the various levels of acknowledging will allow you to contribute positively to conversations and be intentional about what will be most helpful with different conversational partners and at certain points in your interactions. 

Far from getting in the way of radical listening, the judicious use of questions can demonstrate your commitment to a conversation, increase the energy of the interaction, and strengthen the rapport between you and your conversational partner. Essentially, radical listening depends on a clear intention and commitment from you to be a good conversational partner. This means that you must do more than listen attentively. You need to become an active participant in the conversation. The use of questions provides you with a practical and engaging way of doing so. 

When done well, interjection conveys enthusiasm for the conversation and support for the speaker. 

Prof. Christian van Nieuwerburgh (PdD)

Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener

 

The authors share these additional insights with us: 

Question: How does radical listening move beyond “traditional active listening techniques”? 

The Authors: Traditional active listening focuses on comprehension and the central question is one of clarification: “Am I hearing you correctly?” By contrast, radical listening begins with an intention and the underlying question is “What am I trying to accomplish by listening?” Radical listening is, therefore, more flexible because the focus and goal of the listening changes with each conversation. 

Question: How do Internal and External listening skills complement each other? 

The Authors: When we think of listening, we think of it as something that happens inside you. Sound waves enter your ears and you process them. This requires some skills such as the ability to direct your attention and to notice details. Radical listening is also more dynamic: it includes asking questions and occasional polite interruptions. These behaviors make the listener a more active participant in conversations. 

Question: What are the most common barriers to effective listening? 

The Authors: There are so many obstacles and all of us are guilty of these from time to time! They include competing (“I had it even worse than you!”); time poverty (“I don’t have time to listen”); mind reading (“I already know what you are going to say!”); and offering unsolicited advice (“I know just what you ought to do!”).

Question: How can we effectively overcome those barriers to better approach our conversations?

The Authors: The first step is being aware of these obstacles. Once you have a language to describe them, you can smack your palm on your forehead and admit you are guilty of them. Next, being aware of your intention for listening can help. If you are wanting to validate someone, you will be reluctant to give advice. If you are looking to learn about something, you will likely feel like you have time for it. Your rationale will motivate you to listen more and better. 

Question: What is the first thing people should do to start radical listening in their daily lives? 

The Authors: The beauty of this is that you can start anytime. Start by practicing the skills on people you know. Go into conversations with the intention of giving people your full attention; start noticing any inner dialogue that is getting in the way; experiment with being more open to differing views and opinions. Experiment with different ways to acknowledge other people; ask questions that demonstrate interest in what others are saying; show your enthusiasm and engagement by interjecting with short encouraging noises and comments as the other person speaks. See what happens!

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Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener is a researcher, author, and consultant with 75 peer-reviewed academic articles and has over 27,000 citations. His previous books include The Upside of Your Dark Side (New York Times Bestseller, 2014), and the 2007 PROSE Award winner, Happiness. He has presented keynotes to Lululemon, Deloitte, Humana, AARP, The World Bank, and others. In 2024, Thinkers50 named Robert one of the “50 Most Influential Executive Coaches in the World.” 

Prof. Christian van Nieuwerburgh (PhD) is Professor of Coaching and Positive Psychology at RCSI University of Medicine and Health Sciences (Ireland) and Principal Fellow at the Centre for Wellbeing Science of the University of Melbourne (Australia). Christian delivers consultancy, training, and executive coaching globally, regularly presenting in the United States, the United Kingdom, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and the Middle East. He is passionate about motorcycling, writing, and coaching. 

Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.