Skip to main content

How To Make Conversations Healthy And Productive Dialogues

 

In his new book, Habits of a Peacemaker, Steven T. Collis, a leading expert on civil discourse, reveals ten practical habits that can help you navigate the potential minefields of hard topics and leave you and those you converse with feeling thoughtful and productive. 

The ten habits are: 

  1. Intellectual Humility and Reframing
  2. Seek Real Learning
  3. Assume the Best About People
  4. Don’t Feed People’s Worst Fears
  5. Hunt for the Best Argument Against You
  6. Be Open to Change
  7. Spend Time with People
  8. A Sliver of Humor
  9. Seek Inner Peace
  10. Embrace the Discomfort of Non-Closure 

“I have organized the book in a way that makes sense to me, but you should not feel the need to read it strictly from front to back,” shares Collis. “Each chapter provides useful guidance on how to achieve moments of peaceful, productive dialogue with the people in your life.” 

He adds, “If how you treat others matters to you, this book offers powerful new habits that can give you the confidence to engage in dialogue about hard topics while building and strengthening relationships.”

Helping us rise above our tendency to overestimate what we know, Collis illuminates, among other skills: 

  • Why self-reflection and self-care—such as journaling, reading, and talk therapy—are important, underrated, tools for civil discourse.
  • When to deploy tight, slightly self-deprecating humor to lower the conversational temperature.
  • How to embrace discomfort, or a lack of closure, in conversation.
  • How to recognize gaslighting and now allow it.
  • Know when and how to use humor during conversations. 

Some of my favorite takeaways and lessons learned from the book include: 

  • Conversations are more likely to deteriorate when participants are acting with too little information.
  • Framing or reframing a conversation will help conversations focus more on making progress and learning, rather than merely proving others wrong.
  • Peacemakers assume the best about people and their intentions.
  • All the questions in the world will do you no good if you are not listening to the answers.
  • Peacemakers ask genuine questions, and they listen for complete answers.
  • Don’t seek praise for your own contributions, and instead try to highlight the great work of those around you, including those with whom you disagree.
  • Peacemakers spend time with people to know and understand them. 
and these lessons:
  • Know that when used correctly, humor can be a powerful tool for putting people at ease and allowing more fruitful conversations.
  • Realize that for many problems, even a small step in finding a solution is important, and know that even small steps cannot be made in moments of hostility and argument.
  • Peacemakers take time needed to reflect on issues and the arguments presented to them.
  • Peacemakers know that the best way to connect with others is through their own kind example and tone, long before any words come out of their mouths.
In addition, Collis suggests the best way to achieve active listening is to:
  • Ask questions (and listen to the answers) until a question is asked of you.
  • You may have points you want to make.
  • You may have opinions you want to share.
  • Hopefully, as you're listening, those points and opinions are growing more sophisticated. 
  • Eventually, as you ask more questions, the person with whom you're speaking will realize they haven't asked you anything.
  • When they finally do, you now have your window to share your thinking.
Steven T. Collis

Today, Collis shares these additional insights with us:

Question: How can you balance intellectual humility with the need to assert your own perspectives in discussions about contentious issues?

Collis: Intellectual humility and recognizing how little we know about any given topic does not preclude us from forming or sharing our opinions. But it should soften how strongly we state them. It should make us more curious about how others think. It should keep us open to change and the possibility that we might learn new information that will cause us to change our minds.

Question: If you had to choose just one peacemaking habit to implore people to use, which one would it be?

Collis: On a daily basis, never lose your intellectual humility. I started the book with that habit and the daily practices that lead to it because it lays the foundation for everything else that peacemakers do.

Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

6 Ways To Seek Feedback To Improve Your Performance In The Workplace

Getting feedback is an important way to improve performance at work. But sometimes, it can be hard to seek out, and even harder to hear.  “Feedback is all around you. Your job is to find it, both through asking directly and observing it,” says David L. Van Rooy, author of the new book,  Trajectory: 7 Career Strategies to Take You From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be . As today's guest post, Van Rooy offers these  six tips for how to get the feedback you need to improve performance at work . Guest Post By David L. Van Rooy 1.       Don’t forget to as k :  One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming things are going perfectly (until they make a catastrophic mistake). By not asking, you’re missing out on opportunities for deep feedback: the difficult, critical feedback that gives you constructive ways to improve. 2.       Make sure you listen :  Remember, getting fee...

How To Break Through The Beliefs That Limit Your Potential

  As a leader, do you find yourself frustrated, wondering why employees don't meet expectations, peers are slow to act, or pressure from your boss falls unfairly on your shoulders? It's easy to point a finger at others and double down on getting results. But have you ever considered that the problem might not be them—that it might be you?   “Your mindset may be the only thing standing between you and your potential. It’s time to break free from the beliefs that hold you back,” says Muriel M. Wilkins , author of the new book, Leadership Unblocked: Break Through The Beliefs That Limit Your Potential .   Through countless hours coaching executives over the past twenty years, Wilkins has pinpointed the biggest reason behind these common leadership challenges: hidden blockers . These unconscious beliefs can actively stall progress if leaders aren't aware of their existence, preventing them from seeing a situation clearly, solving problems effectively, and advancing their caree...

Alyssa Freas: 8 Insights On Leadership And Executive Coaching

Alyssa Freas is a pioneer in the field of executive coaching . She is Founder and CEO of Executive Coaching Network® (EXCN) , a global company whose mission is to help organizations achieve results by improving the effectiveness of their executives and their teams. Recently, she answered for me the eight questions I hear the most about leadership, leaders and  executive coaching . Question :  What is the most common leadership challenge you see that executives face? Alyssa :  Executives are challenged by prioritization; that is, getting their work done and having enough time for reflection and rejuvenation. The vast majority of executives today have too many plates spinning and they feel imbalanced. The successful leader of the future will be one who understands how to prioritize in a framework of their company’s vision, values, and strategic objectives and financial results. Executives will always be challenged by the need to focus on building the busines...

Learn The Extraordinary Power Of Caring For Your People Like Family

“Everybody truly does matter. No idea could be simpler or more powerful. It is an idea that has unlimited potential, because people have unlimited potential—to surprise, delight, and elevate themselves, one another and all around the world,” profess Bob Chapman and Raj Sisodia , authors of the newly expanded 10 th anniversary edition of Everybody Matters: The Extraordinary Power Of Caring For Your People Like Family .   The book’s first edition, premiered in 2015 and has sold more than110,000 copies and is available in seven languages.   This book is about truly human leadership that creates off-the-charts morale, loyalty, creativity, and business performance. It manifests the reality that every single person matters, just like in a family. It’s not a cliché on a mission statement; it’s the bedrock of a company’s success.   “The startling truth, supported by research, is that your leader has a greater impact on your health than your doctor, therapist, or even your par...

How To Survive And Then Reset To Ultimately Thrive

“Uncertainty is here to stay. Rather than seeing it as an obstacle to overcome, integrate it into your strategic approach to invigorate your high-growth potential and outperform competition under any market condition,” explains Rebecca Homkes , author of the new book, Survive, Reset, Thrive .   “Most books aren’t honest enough about how hard it is to reset ,” adds Homkes. Yet, resetting and leaning into change is essential. “If you are ready to embrace change as a central element of your growth strategy, this book is for you.” Homkes’ book is a timely, comprehensive, and essential read for business leaders looking to take the next step toward ensuring high growth for their companies. The book brings together more than 15 years of Homkes working directly with high-growth companies of all sizes and across a wide variety of industries.   Survive, Reset, Thrive (SRT) is a practical and innovative interconnected three-mode approach :   Survive : Stabilizing ...

10 Quotes From The 5 Levels Of Leadership -- John C. Maxwell

Soon I'll post my full review of John C. Maxwell's latest book, The 5 Levels of Leadership .  In the meantime, here are some of my favorites quotes from the book that I believe should become a must-read book by any workplace/organizational leader: Good leadership isn't about advancing yourself.  It's about advancing your team. Leaders become great, not because of their power, but because of their ability to empower others. Leadership is action, not position. When people feel liked, cared for, included, valued, and trusted, they begin to work together with their leader and each other. If you have integrity with people, you develop trust.  The more trust you develop, the stronger the relationship becomes.  In times of difficulty, relationships are a shelter.  In times of opportunity, they are a launching pad. Good leaders must embrace both care and candor. People buy into the leader, then the vision. Bringing out the best in a person is often a catal...

4 Ways To Make Your Executive Coaching Experience More Successful

If you are a leader already engaging with an executive coach, or contemplating engaging one, here are four ways to make  your coaching experience a success, as reported in a relatively recent issue of Fortune magazine: Find the right match .  Find someone to push and challenge you.  To encourage you and to hold you accountable.  Be sure the person you engage with is a person you can trust and can talk to easily. Be aware of your company's expectations .  If your boss hired the coach to work with you, make sure your boss, and your boss's boss, share their expectations and hoped-for outcomes with you.  Then, make sure your coach knows that those things belong at the top of your goals list. Get your money's worth .  Work with your coach on issues or questions that have a direct correlation to success in your job.  Be sure your coach sees you in action .  Allow your coach to observe you interacting with your peers or dir...

Step-by-Step Guide To Making A Hybrid Workplace Successful

The new book, Thrive With A Hybrid Workplace , provides a way forward to understand the changing world of work, to dispense of old biases, and to establish trust between the enterprise, its leaders, and its employees.   “Our goal is to provide organizations, leaders, and employees with guidance as to how to sort through what feels like a ping-pong argument about whether to embrace a hybrid workplace, explain the authors Felice B. Ekelman, JD and Jullie P. Kantor, PhD .   More specifically, the book will help you:   Understand flexible work options, and how to assess which options are best for your organization. Develop a thoughtful approach to hybrid work that is consistent with your organization’s core values. Identify how to best lead in hybrid work environments with the tools and competence to succeed. Identify pitfalls that may hinder success in implementing hybrid work protocols from both an individual and an enterprise point of view.   Both Ekelman...

How Businesses Hone And Also Avoid Drift

  “Honing, not sharpening is a metaphor for how successful businesses keep their competitive edge,” explain authors Geoff Tuff and Steven Goldbach , authors of the new book, Hone: How Leaders Defy Drift . “Today’s leaders seem to be highly focused on increasingly frequent transformation (akin to knife sharpening), when in fact they would be better served by building daily habits to hone their organization like a chef hones a knife.”   Sharpening : This process restores a dull knife edge by removing material to create a new, sharper edge.   Honing : This process realigns the existing edge of a knife, maintaining its sharpness without removing material.   The book is a call to action for leaders to build the capability and mindset to hone their organizations, minimizing—but not eliminating—the need for transformation.   “Choosing and honing the set of management systems that promote an organization's desired outcomes (and uninstalling them when they are past the...

How To Align Sales And Marketing To Drive Company Success

Nearly 90 percent of startups will fail without ever reaching a point of positive return on investment. Founders and entrepreneurs are facing unprecedented challenges in pursuit of becoming one of the coveted 10 percent.   Who better to turn to for advice than the duo behind the most successful software IPO in history?   That is where Denise Persson and Chris Degnan come in, authors of the new book, Make It Snow .   During the nearly nine years they worked together at Snowflake, they built  one of the longest-running and most effective sales-marketing partnerships from the ground up, unifying  two historically divided groups in corporate America. Together, they took Snowflake from struggling startup to a tech powerhouse on par with Google and Amazon. Over the years, Snowflake surged to more than 9,000 employes and $3 billion in annual sales.   “Sales and marketing are often neglected in startups, with focus squarely placed on the engineerin...