The new book, How To Get Along With Anyone, by John Eliot and Jim Guinn, is the playbook for predicting and preventing conflict at work and at home.
As you read the book, you will discover how to defuse any heated conflict by learning which of the five conflict styles you are and how to resolve even the most sensitive dispute with this must-read guide.
Through decades of building and facilitating team chemistry for Fortune 500 companies, professional sports franchises, schools and government agencies, nonprofit organizations, and families, Eliot and Guinn have discovered people respond to conflict in one of these five ways:
- Avoider: Uninterested in minor details; excels in solitary work with a knack for concentration.
- Competitor: Always pushing the envelope; never rests on laurel and takes risks for achievement.
- Analyzer: Evidence-based and methodical; patiently gathers information before acting.
- Collaborator: A deeply caring individual, relying on exceptional relationship skills.
- Accommodator: Prioritizes achievements and well-being of those they care about over their own.
“We offer you a pragmatic, hands-on guide to help you determine your own conflict style and identify your coworkers’ and loved ones’ styles. Using this information helps you to foster better communication and more effective collaboration,” the authors add.
“If you can predict how someone will behave, you can formulate a winning game plan.”
Why is this so important? Because the average American worker spends 156 hours a year engaged in the kind of moderate to intense workplace conflict that adversely impacts both performance and health.
And managers spend 26% of their time addressing and resolving conflicts on their team—the equivalent of chewing up one full workday each week.
"If conflict is left unresolved, workplace conflict leads to shifts in employee attitudes, behaviors, and interactions that spawn ripple effects to the culture and decreased motivation. Productivity declines and so does job satisfaction. Commitment wanes and morale suffers. Absenteeism increases, eventually leading to higher turnover," share the authors.
One of my favorite parts of the book is the section on active listening. The authors remind us that communication exchanges are comprised of three elements, distributed as follows:
- 7% - Verbal – What is said, the words themselves.
- 38% - Vocal – How something is said, a speaker’s projection, resonance, and tone.
- 55% - Visual – The way it’s said, a speaker’s facial expression and body language.
You can become a better active listener when you do the following according to the authors:
Be present; Be Centered. When you want to hear someone, full-and want them to know they are being heard—you need to be all in. Temporarily suspend any other concern you have beyond the goal of simply listening.
Make Eye Contact. When the other person is talking, look them in the eyes. That is the surefire way to establish that you are attending to them.
Stay Off The Stage. Spend the time entirely centered on what (and how) the other person is sharing. Fight the urge to weave in your opinion, view and so on.
Be Patient. Wait For It. Remind yourself that there will be ebb and flow; there will be natural pauses. Don’t fill those pauses. Wait. Invite the other person to continue. Employ encouraging body language. Nod, Smile.
Use Volley Phrases. When waiting for someone to continue doesn’t work, exercise volley phrases, such as, “Tell me more,” “Tell me more about,” “Run that by me again,” Please, go on.”
Use Reflexive Questioning. This is when you feed someone’s words—and often, more importantly, feelings—back to them, in the form of a question, regarding topics on which you want to move past positions and interests. Make sure to ask these types of questions in a respectful tone, authentically showing that you care.
Use Open-Ended Questions. And use open-ended probing by using cues that necessitate elaboration.
Empathize. Put yourself in their footwear. With positive regard. Unconditionally. Use your active listening to decipher where a person is coming from and why. Be accepting.
Filled with fun, engaging examples and actionable techniques, How to Get Along With Anyone teaches you how to predict and prevent escalated conflict, arming you with practical tools for flipping the script on sticking points to nurture stronger and more meaningful relationships.
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John Eliot, PhD, mentors executives and advises professional sports teams, coaches and athletes on how to apply individual and organizational psychology principles for enhancing health, performance, and workplace culture.
Jim Guinn, EdD, is an assistant professor at Texas A&M University, and director of the Global Youth Sport For Development Initiative, and the Center For Sports Management Research and Education.
Thank you to the book’s publisher for sending me an advance copy of the book.
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